I’m sorry you lost your friend, but you didn’t make a mistake. You did what you could, what you thought was right. It’s not your fault that you didn’t have hindsight, and it’s not your fault that you didn’t or couldn’t know what your friend was going through.
That said, I agree with you on being persistent in helping friends who are or may be clinically depressed. Let me warn that I am not a trained medical professional, but just a person diagnosed with depression so I want to offer my insight on this being persistent thing.
For you or for anyone in a normal, rational, state of mind, if you asked me to come out and do something with you and I said no, you’re probably just thinking “Alright, I’m sure he has some good excuse. I don’t want to push him.”
For me, when I was going through my darkest times (I am now on medication and have weekly therapy sessions), my read on that situation was 100% different.
First, the excuse:
“No thanks. I’m just so busy with ____ right now. I can’t do it. Maybe next time.”
That’s even if I bothered giving an excuse. Most of the time I saw the text message and just ignored it. More on this later.
Next, the aftermath of hearing you accepting my excuse (or not following up, if I ignored you, again more on this later):
Internally: “I guess he didn’t want to hang out after all. If he really did, if he really cared about me, he wouldn’t take no for an answer. He knows I’m in a bad place right now. He knows I’m having all these issues. He knows _______. Why doesn’t he care? Why doesn’t anybody care? Do I have any friends who care? Do I even have friends? What am I doing with my life? What’s the point of my miserable life?”
Now here’s the thing. You might read this and think things like “I didn’t sign up for this. Why should I have to do that? Why should I have to accommodate him so much? It’s his problem, he just needs to get his shit together.”
1. It’s not his problem. It’s not his fault. He can’t help it. His mind isn’t functioning properly. He can’t just magically get his shit together. If he could, he wouldn’t be in his situation.
2. You put up with it because you’re a good friend. If your friend had a broken leg and couldn’t leave his apartment, you go over and hang out over there because circumstances are preventing him from physically leaving. In this case, circumstances are preventing him from making rational choices, so sometimes you just need to make them for him.
I’m not advocating power of attorney or anything like that. I’m saying that when I was in my state, doing ANYTHING felt like climbing Mount Everest. Seriously. Picking out a T-shirt? I was so mentally exhausted. Being asked if I wanted to watch a movie? I might as well roll over in bed and cry instead of deciding. Which is what I did, most of the time.
That said, I agree with you on being persistent in helping friends who are or may be clinically depressed. Let me warn that I am not a trained medical professional, but just a person diagnosed with depression so I want to offer my insight on this being persistent thing.
For you or for anyone in a normal, rational, state of mind, if you asked me to come out and do something with you and I said no, you’re probably just thinking “Alright, I’m sure he has some good excuse. I don’t want to push him.”
For me, when I was going through my darkest times (I am now on medication and have weekly therapy sessions), my read on that situation was 100% different.
First, the excuse:
“No thanks. I’m just so busy with ____ right now. I can’t do it. Maybe next time.”
That’s even if I bothered giving an excuse. Most of the time I saw the text message and just ignored it. More on this later.
Next, the aftermath of hearing you accepting my excuse (or not following up, if I ignored you, again more on this later):
Internally: “I guess he didn’t want to hang out after all. If he really did, if he really cared about me, he wouldn’t take no for an answer. He knows I’m in a bad place right now. He knows I’m having all these issues. He knows _______. Why doesn’t he care? Why doesn’t anybody care? Do I have any friends who care? Do I even have friends? What am I doing with my life? What’s the point of my miserable life?”
Now here’s the thing. You might read this and think things like “I didn’t sign up for this. Why should I have to do that? Why should I have to accommodate him so much? It’s his problem, he just needs to get his shit together.”
1. It’s not his problem. It’s not his fault. He can’t help it. His mind isn’t functioning properly. He can’t just magically get his shit together. If he could, he wouldn’t be in his situation.
2. You put up with it because you’re a good friend. If your friend had a broken leg and couldn’t leave his apartment, you go over and hang out over there because circumstances are preventing him from physically leaving. In this case, circumstances are preventing him from making rational choices, so sometimes you just need to make them for him.
I’m not advocating power of attorney or anything like that. I’m saying that when I was in my state, doing ANYTHING felt like climbing Mount Everest. Seriously. Picking out a T-shirt? I was so mentally exhausted. Being asked if I wanted to watch a movie? I might as well roll over in bed and cry instead of deciding. Which is what I did, most of the time.