I'm normally a little reluctant to give feedback on these things because I often "don't get it", so I don't think I have anything to offer. Because your video is so well done, I'll make an exception now...
I don't get it.
You talk about the problem, the pain, and your offering, but I can't recall a single thing you say about your customer/user. Perhaps I'm missing something here, but I sure would feel a lot more comfortable with a story or two about someone's specific problem and how they solved it with Publicitivity. Maybe I'm a little old school, but I'd really rather hear about them first, not you.
You say all the right things: pain (get rid of the soccer pic, ouch!), problem, product, but I don't "feel" the problem or pain. I just think that a good example or two would paint a much better picture. The more common the example, the more people you'll reach.
The good news: Great start. With your tech and presentation skills, once they understand what it is, you oughta knock 'em dead.
Does this make any sense to you, or am I missing something?
Getting it, is in the eye of the beholder. The fact you're on Hacker news / have the 2nd highest karma means that you are definitely in tune :-).
I think our biggest flaw is: we're not explaining this in common terms that the everyday person can understand. It's too focused on the technical vision with the organizing and sharing. I think we can solve it in two ways:
a) Get rid of the organize + share mission statement jargon. Put together something people really understand.
b) Show a demo of the software in action. Once you see the software and/or start playing around with it, it's a no brainer that this is going to change the way you work.
Thank you for the feedback and kind words. Feel free to drop me an email jason [at] publictivity dot com if you want to check out the product more in depth (we're beta releasing it soon, but I can send out an invite a bit sooner).
I have a lot of respect for you (at least, I follow you on Twitter, and I don't follow many people!) so keep that in mind reading this..!
The pitch has a number of problems.
It takes 20 seconds before you mention the problem that your product helps resolve, and then another 12 seconds before you start to define what that problem even is. Show rather than tell. You say it's a painful problem before stating the problem (it's also probably far too early in the pitch for any humorous photos). If it's painful, it will be apparent when you just describe the problem.. if not, you're not describing the problem properly. Second, it takes over two minutes for you to talk specifically about any feature of your product.
Describing your product as a "online social workspace that allows companies to better organize and share information by leveraging the connections around them" is Dilbert-esque, and it doesn't tell us anything concrete about what your product does.
I really want you to get to Startup and Foo Camps and think you are on to something good, but I really hope that when you do come face to face with investors, your pitch is concise, to the point, and really, really tight. I sense that the lack of these qualities can be the nail in the financing coffin unless your idea is extremely revolutionary.
On the plus side, you definitely come across as enthusiastic and knowledgeable in the pitch. Your voice is engaging.
Thanks! Read more on your bio, and the same respect goes both ways. We're nowheres near perfect, and what the criticism rather than a simple "oh that's great, definitely send me an invite" response you usually get.
- This pitch was meant to be longer, but my goal is to really make the problem the first priority. Quicker is definitely better. The one liner needs to be improved significantly.
-Normally we'd sub in the screenshots for an actual demo of the product if it were a live pitch. We're thinking of cutting down on the pictures in the problem part showing the investor, entrepreneurs, support agent,etc. in order to get to the product a lot faster.
-See my response below to TitleWave. I hate the organize + share information line we use, and want to find something that really evokes exactly what we do. There's a few ideas bouncing around. No lies, this part keeps me up at night.
-I sense the same problems, and that's why we make our pitches available publicly. This lets us get the feedback we need. We know we suck in certain areas, and want to get rid of that.
-Glad I came across enthusiastic. I'm passionate about the product we're building, and think it's going to change the way entrepreneurs work. We're product driven for sure. Would love to send you an invite when we're ready.
I'm one of the speakers at startup camp and I think I'm going to help on judging the submissions.
I think your pitch needs a lot of work and I wouldn't vote for it in its current form. I read your blog post and your PDF slides (I didn't watch the video) and didn't get a clear sense for what your product does, why it's different than other similar products, or why you think it will turn into a larger business. Many of your slides talk about the right topics -- for instance, customer pain -- without saying what you specifically know about that topic in your business -- for instance, exactly what customer pain you're trying to address.
The outline on Sequoia's site is great for what your pitch should address:
I once had the humiliating experience of sending a Sequoia partner a 30-slide pitch, having him say "12 slides exactly," sending him a 20-slide pitch, having him say "12 slides exactly," sending him a 15-slide pitch, having him say "12 slides exactly," and then finally getting it right. Learn from my mistakes! 12 slides, no more than six bullets per slide, no more than one line per bullet. Writing to form makes it easier for people to evaluate you. Make it very easy on your evaluators.
On each of those slides, say why you're different from everyone else. Exactly what makes you better. "We take the sales lead process from 30 minutes to five minutes." Say it succinctly and don't be at all ambiguous. "We allow co-workers to share contact information for their sales leads without data entry by scanning business cards with 99.9% accuracy" or whatever.
Definitely a big help. Like I said, we want the hardcore feedback. That's even a major part of why we want to come to startup camp. We know we've built a great product, and we know it has the tools entrepreneurs need.
Our biggest problem is putting it into words that are simple to understand and to put down onto 12 slides. I've always believed that people spend money (whether as investors or customers) on products/things that they can understand easily and relate to. That's where we need to work on things, a lot.
The most important part of your presentation describing your company/product as "Publictivity is the online social workspace that allows companies to better organize and share information by leveraging the connections around them" needs some rework and you need to come up with a better one liner. Your description might fall into what Greg McAdoo from Sequoia refers to it as "This is technically accurate but totally useless"
That's exactly where we're struggling/working on. Greg's talk at Startup Camp was awesome, because it gave no bullshit/ straight forward advice. We know what we're making is useful, but bringing it down to one sentence that makes real world sense is key. That's why I even say in the presentation "to get past the mission statement speak", and then explain the product. Off the cuff, if I could sum it up in other words:
"We Give Entrepreneurs The Tools To Run Their Business".
The organize + share, is really more on the technical side of things when I think about it more.
Thanks for the feedback, it's exactly what we need.
Sounds like "web-based groupware for small teams" -- a space crowded with offerings (and littered with startup corpses). To succeed, you need a unique angle -- like 37signals' minimalist "elegant interfaces and thoughtful features". And even then, it might not offer growth warranting investment beyond small angels and bootstrapping.
If it's something different, that needs to pop out so you can't miss it.
Cutesy photos can work for crowd presentations but investors want to cut to the point: team, market, product/tech, competition, plan, ask. Specifics help, euphemisms and hand-waving generalizations hurt (eg "square peg in round hole" "gluing together ad-hoc solutions" "awesome developers... making great things that increase the productivity beyond our imagination").
